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03:54 pm - Oh yeah... Live Journal
So Sean reminded me that Live Journal exists and that I DO in face have an account. So maybe I should blog? I don't know, call me crazy. Everyone else does.
So, I guess a lot has happened since my last post like TWO YEARS ago. First off, I'm no longer a hermit. I got tired of being solo, but I am still solo ironically. I've done the dating thing, the sex thing, the friend thing... the you name it thing. I've done it with the exception of a relationship. I guess there were a few guys who wanted one, but for whatever reason it didn't happen. I was a little too distant or not interested enough. Or he was too busy or I was too busy... and it sorta slipped away.
I'm at the point where I wish I could fall in love, but I feel blocked to it. I can't tell if it is one of two things. The first could be that I've been hurt so much (mainly from Jamie and a little more from Bryan) that I am going to hold myself back from that all encompassing power and loss of control. As much as I cared for Jeffrey, I'm not sure I could say I TRULY loved him. Then again, I'm looking back from an objective stand point so that might not be a fair assessment either. The other thing is that maybe I'm just older now. I'm more attuned to myself and what I like and what I want, and it is going to take A LOT more to truly feel love. I realize I've fallen for guys with "issues" in the past because of my nurture nature. I want to help people, help them with problems, see them through rough times, etc. This means I usually end up with psychopaths and unstable assholes.
I have so much going on in my life that I don't have a lot of time I can commit to a man. Without that kind of time, I don't see how a good rapport can be made because ... let's face it, I'm a bit flighty. They live in VB or Richmond like 45+ minutes away.... so that would be losing 90+ min a day in travel. Juggle that with work, a dog, and the gym... and then I can't sleep. So I feel like I'm in this "No Man's Land" (no pun intended lol) where I would love a relationship, but I'm unwilling to put the effort into one because I know they just don't work anyways. If it works, it'll work without me having to throw all this extra energy into it. Because I'm not putting extra energy into it, they aren't working, so it is a bit of a catch 22.
So, I guess a lot has happened since my last post like TWO YEARS ago. First off, I'm no longer a hermit. I got tired of being solo, but I am still solo ironically. I've done the dating thing, the sex thing, the friend thing... the you name it thing. I've done it with the exception of a relationship. I guess there were a few guys who wanted one, but for whatever reason it didn't happen. I was a little too distant or not interested enough. Or he was too busy or I was too busy... and it sorta slipped away.
I'm at the point where I wish I could fall in love, but I feel blocked to it. I can't tell if it is one of two things. The first could be that I've been hurt so much (mainly from Jamie and a little more from Bryan) that I am going to hold myself back from that all encompassing power and loss of control. As much as I cared for Jeffrey, I'm not sure I could say I TRULY loved him. Then again, I'm looking back from an objective stand point so that might not be a fair assessment either. The other thing is that maybe I'm just older now. I'm more attuned to myself and what I like and what I want, and it is going to take A LOT more to truly feel love. I realize I've fallen for guys with "issues" in the past because of my nurture nature. I want to help people, help them with problems, see them through rough times, etc. This means I usually end up with psychopaths and unstable assholes.
I have so much going on in my life that I don't have a lot of time I can commit to a man. Without that kind of time, I don't see how a good rapport can be made because ... let's face it, I'm a bit flighty. They live in VB or Richmond like 45+ minutes away.... so that would be losing 90+ min a day in travel. Juggle that with work, a dog, and the gym... and then I can't sleep. So I feel like I'm in this "No Man's Land" (no pun intended lol) where I would love a relationship, but I'm unwilling to put the effort into one because I know they just don't work anyways. If it works, it'll work without me having to throw all this extra energy into it. Because I'm not putting extra energy into it, they aren't working, so it is a bit of a catch 22.
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